Coming Out Day

So I barely noticed National Coming Out Day: Like every year, it passed pretty much without any actual coming out.
And then like three people on my news feed were all, "Hey, I forgot it was National Coming Out Day yesterday. Newsflash: I'm_________." Some I already knew, some were not a surprise, but I'm having feelings about it because I've never done it.
At some point, I built it into my lexicon for dealing with new people. I don't hide it. It comes up in conversation. It does this a lot of ways.
"My girlfriend--"
"Why did you_____?" "Well, I'm a lesbian, so---"
"Wait, are you--?" "Gay? Yes."
So everyone at college knows. My parents know. My close friends know. My grandparents on one side at least know.
But not most of my extended family, and not most of the people I knew through middle and high school--who make up the majority of my facebook friends. At least, I don't think they know. People have surprised me before.
"Congratulations on coming out!" "Thank you. How did you know?" "You know, the Internet."
Part of me feels like I should. Visibility is important. Visibility is a thing I advocate. And I feel like I'm talking the talk but not walking the walk to stay closeted.
And it's no longer a thing that would likely get me outright disowned or a large amount of nasty messages sent my way. I expect a couple "It's a sin, repent" messages, one or two, maybe, and my relatives talking around it for the next forever, but I can live with that.
So why am I still not doing it? Why am I still scared?
Partly, why should I tear down my shields and allow in the messages and the judgment when it's not negatively affecting my life not to be out to some people? The people that needed to know, the people it was hurting me to stay in the closet for, they know. Why should I expose myself that much more? Is it that likely that there's someone on my news feed that doesn't already have sufficient gay role models?
Sigh. I knew it wasn't my duty to come out as long as it would hurt me. Not sure what the right answer is now.
Atalanta says stop using 'should' statements. I'm not sure I know how to police myself without 'should' statements.
Hello, everyone. I'm a Kinsey 5, that's predominantly homosexual/romantic and only incidentally heterosexual/romantic. I'm sexually and romantically attracted to women almost exclusively, to their minds and their souls, not to their bodies. I usually identify as female but once in a blue moon experience brief dysphoria. I touch on the asexual spectrum extremely lightly, so that I almost always have to have heard someone talk, enough to get an idea of their personality, to be attracted to them, but mostly identify as allosexual (not asexual). My gender expression tends toward fellagirly with a large helping of genderfuck, which means I sit like a guy, grow my hair long and dye it, don't wear makeup or shave my legs, appreciate jeans and skirts, love suits, vests, and ties, and occasionally do makeup/police my body language/bind/dress/wear a wig specifically to make people question my pronouns.

STUFF

I'm going to sidetrack for just a moment here and say a couple things.
First, I have no idea if this is partly due to any of you, but the Kickstarter I plugged a few days ago has, amazingly, hit the goal of an extra 900 pounds (that's about $1500) in three days. Thank you, if you donated or reblogged, and if not, consider this your last warning to buy cool stuff before it ends!
Also, ties, guys. I'm going to go flaming dyke on y'all for a minute, and say Jesse Tyler Ferguson ties are kind of awesome. $20 of every $25 tie purchase go to support marriage equality, and they're gorgeous.
The Brittany Griner. The George Takei. The Justin-Wisteria. I can't decide if I love the ones with color because color, or I prefer the manlier ones because I look good in drag. Not sure bow ties do anything for my face anyway, never tried when I wasn't in full-on costume. Things to think about.
I have a friend who wears ties whose birthday is on Monday, and I'm tempted to get him one, but I haven't for three reasons: 1. He hasn't given me his home address yet. 2. I can't decide. 3. It feels a tad unimaginative.
So I figured while I see if I can find something better (if anyone who knows who I'm talking about has either advice on style, reassurances about imagination, or his address, do shoot me an email) I'll just enthuse about ties. Formal wear in general. Vests, people. I have a pocket watch now. I may be a tad incoherent and should attempt to write something actually relevant.

More on gender.

Some boys like to wear girl clothes. But they don't want to be girls. The New York Times published a lovely article on the 'middle space' between traditionally feminine and traditionally masculine, one in which girls live with no trouble, but into which boys have to fight for entrance.
One of the blogs I follow is about one such boy, called C.J., and written by his mother. You should read it.
Also check out Twirl and his brother Tornado and sister Firecracker.
In other news, I got into that art show! You should go and check me out! April 1-7, GMU.

Tomboys, mothers, and finger lengths

Another thing I keep finding is that whenever there's anything related to being lesbian, it doesn't apply. I'm not a tomboy. I don't act boyish or anything. I don't wear makeup, but I think I'm beautiful. I'm a black belt in taekwondo, but I never liked sports when I was little and I still hate to sweat. Bit counter-intuitive, I know. I don't fuss a lot over my clothes, unless there's a girl to impress. I played with dolls when I was little (admittedly unlike anyone else I know, but I think that has more to do with being a writer than a lesbian), and house, and painted my room pink. Although my hair's fairly short, and has been for quite a bit of my life, I quite frankly love long hair, except for the upkeep, on anyone. I love playing with it and having mine played with and I think it's beautiful. But not just the obvious, half-stereotypical things. Apparently there was a study done where women's and men's fingers were measured. Straight women tend to have ring fingers and middle fingers the same length, while men and lesbians tend to have noticeable differences. Not me. Nor do I have a distant mother. I tend to think my mother and I have an excellent relationship, actually. We treat each other like equals, which is more than I can say for some mother-daughter relationships. Does that make me any less lesbian? Was I some kind of social convert? Of course not. As I've said before, I had crushes on boys when I was little, but when I started finding girls I loved, I a) knew the romance when I felt it, instead of burying it under friendship and b) never connected the label to myself. I knew I wanted to marry Audacia, and then Allegra, without thinking about it in terms of sex, either. And now I'm kind of annoyed at society for daring to make me feel anything close to undeserving of my own sexuality. You are the only one who has the right to name yourself--or not!--, regardless of your play preferences, your family dynamic, or the length of your fingers.

Stop Labeling

We are all forced into labels and categories, and we don’t always notice. Rich. Poor. Young. Old. Blonde. Brunette. White. Black. Catholic. Buddhist. English. Hispanic. And dozens of others. But the least obvious categories are Girls and Boys. They can be called other things, like Females and Males, or Women and Men, Chicks and Dudes, Dolls and Guys.

The Girl has only female organs, is attracted only to boys, and (less commonly accepted) plays ‘house’ or with dolls, is docile, subservient, good in the household, unable to lead, and less able than the Boy.

The Boy has only male organs, is attracted only to girls, and (again less commonly accepted) is dominant, a capable leader and a good example, is above household duties except physically difficult tasks like mowing the lawn, and more able than the Girl.

I think the biggest problem people have with GLBTQ people is that they break those boundaries.

Intersex and transsexuals have physical makeup that breaks the boundaries. Gay, bisexual, and most especially labelless people break the boundaries of attraction. Femme and butch people of the opposite sex (not to mention capable women and type B men) break the boundaries of what is appropriate to enjoy, be good at, ‘Gay’ has become a separate category, but even it has its rules, like attracted only to the same sex and is either resembling the opposite sex, or is ‘with’ someone like that.

That would be a good final goal: For there to be no labels. For people not to have to come out, but for guys to be able to say, "I'm dating this great guy" or "I used to have this great game I played with dolls" (and vice versa for girls) without anybody batting an eye. I don't know that that'll happen in my lifetime, but it would be nice to hope.

Gay or Trans?

Several days ago, Monday I think, I saw the latest episode of a TV show called Glee on Hulu.com. It was hilarious. I don't know how many times I watched the beginning. It started out with one of the characters, a boy, doing the Beyoncé Single Ladies dance, wearing a unitard. A boy doing a girly dance to a girly song in a girly outfit. You can imagine why it was so funny.
However, all praise aside, it wasn't entirely accurate. The point of the dance was to emphasize the character's femininity, since the character was gay. Except a guy doesn't have to be girly to be gay. That whole stereotype is more indicative of trans people.
I wasn't offended or anything, I could appreciate the humor, but I decided to use it to make a point.
Again, a few definitions are needed here. All these are defined as adjectives, but 'gay', 'transsexual', and 'transvestite' can all be used as nouns. That is, I write the definitions as descriptions (a gay person, a transsexual person), but you can also use them as definers (a gay, a transsexual) though that's not entirely polite.

Gay--to be solely attracted to people of the same biological sex.
Transsexual--to have had sex reassignment surgery. Some people don't identify as transsexual, rather they feel that they have become the opposite gender.
Transvestite--to dress as the opposite gender.
Transgender--to feel that one is actually a separate gender from one's biological gender. It can also include transvestite, transsexual, and intersex. When I say 'trans', I mean transgender.
Femme--feminine, girly.
Butch--masculine.

Trans people can be gay, bi, or straight. People happy with the gender they were born with can be gay, bi, or straight.
The guy on Glee (season 1, episode Preggers) was stereotypically femme, which ended in just about everybody knowing the truth without his telling them. But although it's certainly true that gay men can be femme, they can just as easily be butch. All the same, I do recommend the episode, and the previous one, Acafellas. Most any of us can identify with his difficulty coming out, even if not with his dress sense.
Who would have guessed I was anything but completely straight, the way I talk about guys? I do like to dance with them, and I do find them handsome, but a girl can get into my blood the way no guy so far has. I'm not taking a definitive label yet, but that's okay. I know who I am. I'm Phoenix Tawnyflower.